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What really defines my child?

Occasionally the things that seem to be harmless end up causing the most damage to us or things. Often damage is caused by the very people that are entrusted with their protection.

 

Let us take the example of the words ‘can’ and ‘able’ and the effect they have on children.

 

During a child’s early years, the words ‘can’ and ‘able’ are used like “can the child follow sound and visuals, identify different tastes?” and “are they able to walk, crawl, stand-up, sit, turn”? This is done to measure a child’s healthy growth and to see if the child needs any external help or support. This type of tracking is essential as it helps in medical diagnosis, be it physical, mental or in terms of developmental skills.

 

This tracking, however, becomes problematic when it turns into something that defines a child’s boundaries. These words are slowly replaced by ‘should’ and ‘must’ thus, making it restrictive, slowly reducing creative space. This is done when a child is admitted to a school and the child sits in kindergarten when they are put through judgement, using the words ‘can’ and ‘able’ as media to mark the child, small yet certain, making them a measurement of her abilities. The words dig deeper as the child grows up, making the mark much more permanent, as if their abilities defined their worth, creating issues with the child and their ability to get along with other people in the society.

 

For example, in Math, we see if the child is able to solve arithmetic problems properly. Mostly, the child doesn’t fully understand the problems yet they must solve them. Instead, if the they are allowed to learn at their own pace with examples from the real world, their understanding would be better. In Science and Social Science, the child is not allowed to fully understand the language but they are asked to memorize complete essays.

 

With most schools running like a tightly wound clock, pressure keeps building on parents, caregivers and teachers to tick these milestones off their checklists, to the extent that we forget to ask the most important questions about the child — How is the child? Is she/he happy? Do they feel safe? Do they like themselves? Do they have friends they can trust? What is their hobby?

 

But this is not something that just happened overnight. It took a long time and generations of beliefs passed down to us by our parents, teachers and relatives. We are made to see the world the way they see it, through their experiences and the way they see art, music, literature etc. and comparing our lives to their past mistakes. An image is created of what we should be like as per their expectations. Schools too do not have a schedule that allows students to explore their areas of interest, instead of having to become what everyone wants them to be. Parents don’t always create a safe space for their child to grow and bloom in. Higher studies always require the highest scorers to have a seat at their institution. These all lead to the destruction of a child’s creativity and their own identity.

 

It is not fair to tell our achievers that their struggle to get to the top was all in vain but it is unfair to the child who doesn’t want to achieve in order to do what they really want instead of being under the constant pressure of trying to live up to standards set by our society. It is unfair to that child who wants to daydream but is told that they must stay attentive. But sadly, this happens, regardless of the school or the grades of the child. Only exceptions are a few Learning Centres for special children or Open Schools.

 

After a long time, people are finally noticing mental health problems which are being taken seriously and now we should recognize the root of these issues so that we don’t end up making the same mistakes when it comes to our children. If we are to define a child using the words “can” and “able”, let us use it in ways that do not make them a failure if they are unable to do so but in ways that help them express, nurture their creativity and make them better citizens with emotional values.

 

It is our duty to see if the child feels safe physically, mentally and emotionally. Let us see if we treat our children like something that needs to be fixed or made into something better or as independent humans who have their own wishes and choices. We owe our children this much.